We’ve all heard about “lesbian bed death.” Many of us have experienced it. In our recent survey, many women indicated that sex was something they were concerned about in their relationship. We have found that there are some specific things that can get in the way of a good sexual connection, and there are some skills you can learn to bring the passion back into your relationship.
We think that there are six essential components to have a fulfilling, passionate, sustained sexual connection with your partner:
Clarity. This is the lack of scar tissue, secrets, tension, and other unresolved issues. Ask yourselves:
- Do you have unresolved conflict?
- Is there tension in your relationship (walking on eggshells)
- Is there something important you are withholding from your partner?
- Do you need an altered state (alcohol, drugs) to be sexual?
Compassion – This includes compassion for yourself, and your partner. Ask yourselves:
- If you get triggered while being sexual, can you feel compassion for yourself in that moment?
- What about if your partner gets triggered – can you feel compassion for her?
- If you are in a difficult place in terms of sexuality, do you have compassion for your own process, and/or hers?
Curiosity – A willingness to approach your own sexuality, and your sexual life with your partner with curiosity, openness and flexibility. Ask yourselves:
- Are you curious about what turns both of you on?
- Are you open to trying new things?
- Are you willing to investigate what might be going on if sexuality isn’t as smooth and connected as you want it to be?
- Are you willing to observe feelings that come up around sexuality, whether in bed or outside of it, with curiosity (and compassion)?
Chemistry – You likely didn’t get involved with your partner without some degree of chemistry. Chemistry includes physical attraction, and includes the way you connect with your partner emotionally, psychologically and energetically. Ask yourselves:
- If you think about the chemistry you had early on, and the chemistry now, has it changed?
- Can you be sure that change isn’t due to lack of clarity, curiosity, compassion (above) or communication (below)?
Compatibility – This is simply how sexually compatible the two of you are. This is likely something you discovered and discussed early on in your relationship, but some of these things also change over time. Ask yourselves:
- How often do you want to have sex? Is that different than your partner?
- How much time do you want to spend being sexual? Is that different? What about time of day?
- Do you know whether the kinds of things you like to do sexually are similar to what your partner wants to do?
Communication – This is the ability to authentically speak and listen to each other without judgement. Ask yourselves:
- Can you ask for what you want?
- Can you communicate how you are feeling about sexuality?
- Can you talk about what’s going on for you if you get triggered during sex?
Notice which of these “C”s might be difficult for you and/or your partner. These are amenable change by learning the kinds of skills we teach at Conscious Girlfriend. It is possible to rekindle the passion, and have the fulfilling sexual life you want! If you think you might want guidance and assistance in any of these areas, we’re here to help!