Emotional Intimacy: Why Is It So Hard?

We hear it over and over: “At first everything was great, but now…” In the beginning, it seems like you want the same things – or if you don’t, it’s easy to work out, because there’s so much connection, good will and sweetness between you. But as time goes on, it gets harder and harder to stay connected. Often, both women end up feeling hurt, confused, frustrated, misunderstood and alone.

So let us ask you if you’ve ever felt one of the following things, or even both of them:

Scenario #1: Your girlfriend or partner seems distant and far away. Maybe she doesn’t call you or text you much any more, or she doesn’t spend much time with you, or else when you are together she seems disengaged, like she’s not really listening to you or sharing herself with you any more…she says she still cares, but it doesn’t FEEL like she cares. She just doesn’t seem to want to be close any more. You might be feeling hurt, lonely, abandoned, or like she doesn’t really want to be with you any more, if she says she does.


Scenario #2: Your girlfriend keeps asking for more from you – more time, more attention, more closeness than you feel like you have to give. You might feel guilty that you’re not meeting her needs. You might feel overwhelmed. Or you might even be starting to resent her, or the relationship.You might feel like she’s gotten so clingy and needy that it’s hard to want to be close to her, even though you still love her.

And hurt, pain, frustration leads to miscommunication. Fights. Slammed doors. Strained silences. “Lesbian bed death.” Less time together – and even when you do spend time together, you no longer know how to have fun. It might feel like there’s nothing to say – or, you just talk about chores, or bicker.

Why does this disconnection happen – and, even more importantly, what can you do about it?

Relationships can actually be easy, filled with connection and mutual generosity and respect and fun. That’s the kind of relationship we have, and we’ve had it for years. But it’s not just because we found the right partner – it’s because we use a very specific process to help us heal our conflicts before they really even become conflicts. We’re not talking about just stuffing them underground – we’re talking about actually healing them.

That process is called the SCORE process. If you’ve read much of our website, or been to some of our teleclasses, this will be a familiar term for you. The SCORE process is mostly a process you each do on your own, but it empowers you to act and communicate in ways that will build emotional intimacy, not erode it – and that’s key.

We promise you: Love doesn’t have to be hard. It just takes learning how


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