Is She Really Out There?

Many women we talk to and work with feel as if they will never find the person they are looking for. They are discouraged, and some have even given up looking altogether. We actually think that there is someone for everyone, but there are things that get in the way.

First, there are beliefs about relationships that don’t serve you.

In our 12-Week Roadmap class, we spend a week on examining our beliefs about relationships, and getting rid of the ones that don’t serve us. Beliefs about relationships can totally get in the way of finding the relationship you want. If you have a belief that, for instance, all relationships end in cheating, then you actually might be more likely to choose someone who will cheat. If you have a belief that all you “attract” is women who are unavailable, you’ll keep picking them. It’s important to examine those beliefs, and be willing to discard the ones that won’t serve you.

Second, you may think that you’re not…

…young enough, or physically fit enough, or economically stable enough, etc., to find someone.  And getting beyond that comes down to developing self-love. Do you fully, completely love and accept yourself, as you are, even with the things that are works in progress?

Third, you might not really be clear on the relationship you want.

If you keep getting into relationships that don’t work, that might lead you to think that the right relationship isn’t out there for you. But what if the problem was that you aren’t really clear on the kind of relationship you wanted, so you end up getting together with women who aren’t right for you? I worked with Lynn (not her real name,) and she told me that she kept getting involved with women and living with them, because she believed that was just what you did when you got into partnerships. And it never worked for her – she kept breaking up. And it turned out, she actually loved living alone, and didn’t want to change that.  It’s really important that you know what kind of relationship you want so you don’t get into the wrong ones.

Finally, you might have unrealistic expectations.

We suggest that you trim down your must-haves and deal-breakers to 3 each (assuming conscious relationship skills as a must-have.) Some women have lists that are so long or so narrowly-focused that, in fact, it is unrealistic for them to find someone else. I recently talked with a woman who had been looking for a partner for a long time (the name and details are modified to protect confidentiality.) Maria was insistent that her potential partner not only be a marathon runner like she was, but also be someone who loved coffee in the morning, was an avid musician, and loved horror flicks. As you might imagine, this is a pretty unrealistic list of must-haves. There is probably at least a few women out there like this, but the chances of Maria finding them are pretty slim. In fact, underlying this list was her belief that she was going to be alone forever, and she was making that belief self-fulfilling with her list of must-haves. For her, developing self-love, and knowing that she deserved love was the key that unlocked this. You may have an unrealistic list for other reasons, but unrealistic expectations will get in the way of finding the relationship you want.

The relationship you really want is out there, once you are able to know that you fully deserve love, and you are able to sweep away the beliefs that don’t serve you. And our 12-Week Roadmap class can really help you do that. Sometimes it takes patience – it’s not necessarily going to happen overnight. And it takes effort – you have to sometimes go outside your comfort zone to meet new people. But it can happen.

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