Many women go about their single lives thinking that they just have to be lucky to find “the one.” If they can find the right match, they will be happy. And they think that getting to meet “the one” is largely luck. Maybe she’ll be lurking on OK Cupid, or hanging out on Match.com. Perhaps she’ll show up at a meetup, or ask you to dance. Your eyes will meet, the violin music will play, and the rest will be history.
Now, we don’t want to make it seem that there is no magic. We do think that there is a little magic or luck involved in finding your match, but luck is not the most important part of the equation. Of course, if you think your relationship destiny is just about luck, that means that things are completely out of your control. But they aren’t. Not by a long shot. You actually do have control of your own relationship destiny.
So how can it be more than luck?
First, There’s your “picker.” If the right woman showed up tomorrow, would you actually choose to engage with the possibilities, or would fear get in the way? And if the wrong woman showed up, how would you know she was wrong? We hear this phrase over and over again: “I keep attracting [straight, insecure, unavailable, critical…] women.” And our answer is always, “You could attract these women until the cows came home, but that doesn’t mean you have to choose one.”
Then, can you slow down the dating process? So often, women have sex too soon, and move in together too soon, and sometimes even get married way too soon. You need to have time to get to know who she is, and how she is in the world, and is she committed to conscious communication, and does she have the skills to navigate conflict and build intimacy? And, do you share relationship visions – do you have the same ideas about your lives and futures and are they compatible? When you dive in too quickly, you end up in limerence very quickly. And limerence, that sweet, wonderful “in love” feeling, is actually your brain pumping out lots of wonderful drugs – it’s hard to make rational choices in that state.
Lastly, can you “be the right partner?” If Ms. Absolutely Right walked into your life tomorrow, do you have the skills to be Ms. Absolutely Right for her?
You can learn!
Those three things are learnable. You can learn to choose well, you can learn to slow things down so that you can assess who she is, and whether she’s right for you, and you can learn the skills to be the right partner. Maybe it’s a lot less romantic than the “eyes meet, violins play, ride off into the sunset” version, but it will, almost assuredly, be a lot less painful in the end, and can lead to a long term, happy, healthy relationship, the one you’ve really always wanted.