If you have a “broken picker,” it means you pick the wrong women – an all-too-common issue which leads to pain, confusion and despair about relationships. There are a number of different reasons why your “picker” might be malfunctioning. So, ask yourself the following questions:
1) Am I clear on the difference between limerence and love?
If you’ve been following our work, you may already know about limerence, the brain-chemical high that happens when there’s mutual attraction. We literally get stoned! It feels like love, but it’s really just chemistry – literally. Oxytocin and other yummy endogenous opiates (our brains’ version of heroin!) – flood our systems.
Under the influence of limerence, two women feel deeply connected. It can feel magical, spiritual, deep, meant-to-be, and, of course, very, very hot. Yet limerence doesn’t last. Ever.
Fortunately, there are ways to distinguish limerence from the kind of connection that truly has long-term potential. It takes a bit of will power, not just “following your heart” but bringing your brain on board too. But it’s totally learnable, and it’s a key step in fixing your picker.
2) Am I unsure that I truly deserve the love I really want?
You might know that you struggle with this one. Or, you might think you DO feel worthy, but have some doubts lurking beneath the surface – so it’s also good to probe around a little with questions like these:
- Did I grow up feeling unloved and not accepted just the way I was? If so, are there still unhealed wounds from my growing-up?
- Do I feel insecure about my looks, health, finances, work or some other aspect of myself?
- Do I have any lingering guilt over my behavior in past relationships?
If you answer “Yes” to any of those questions, you may be unconsciously determined to pick the wrong women. This means your picker will stay broken until you shift this underlying cause.
Don’t worry, it’s totally fixable!
3) Do I tend to look for women to heal, fix or take care of, rather than equals?
This is a very common “broken-picker” pattern among warm-hearted, empathic, loving women – and it ends up causing a great deal of pain. You need to shift this picker-pattern in order to have a happy, healthy relationship! You deserve to be with a woman who has just as much to give you as you have to give her – and you can learn to look for that, and not settle for less.
Believe me, I know this one very well – I used to do it all the time! I would feel so much tenderness for a woman’s broken places, and that tenderness was closely linked, for me, with lust. It felt so right… yet ultimately, it went so wrong. Don’t worry – if you find yourself stuck in this pattern, we’ve got your back and we can help you shift it.
4) Do I fall in love with her potential, rather than who she is right now?
Ah, another pattern common to empathic women! Those glimpses of her tender heart underneath her pain… those glimpses of her brilliance, underneath her currently not-very-functional life… those moments when she opens up and lets you see ‘the real her’ before closing down again… they’re so powerful and seductive! Yet you can’t build a healthy relationship from glimpses and moments. You can’t have a relationship with her potential! So if you find yourself trying, your picker needs some work.
5) Do I succumb to romantic fantasies and Hollywood images, instead of making conscious, discerning, self-aware choices in my dating life?
“The heart has its reasons of which the mind can know nothing.” Someone famous said that – and we often hear women using that sentiment to justify their broken pickers. But that’s a cop-out. The truth is, choosing the right partner involves both your heart and your mind. Sure, you can’t choose who makes your heart beat harder, but you can choose what you do about it.
That’s why we teach women to recognize red flags. To identify what you want in a relationship, and only go forward if you see she wants similar things, and has the skills to bring them into being. To understand the three levels of compatibility (#3 is the most important, yet it’s not on most womens’ radar at all!)
6) Do I get scared about scarcity?
This is a big one for a lot of lesbians. As a minority sexual population, it can be hard to find partners – so when someone you’re attracted to shows up, you might be tempted to ignore all the ways in which she’s not quite a fit. After all, who knows when the next likely prospect will come by, if ever?!
If you find yourself thinking this way, it will lead you into trouble. Part of fixing your picker is realizing that scarcity is a myth. There are at least 5 million adult lesbians in the U.S. alone, and millions more in the rest of the world! She is out there! You may need a better dating strategy, and some help dating with clarity and confidence – but we’ve got you covered.
I hope these questions have been helpful to you in identifying whether, and why, your picker is broken. If you answered No to first question, and/or Yes to any of the rest, your picker needs some work. But we can help. Your relationship destiny is in your hands, and we’re here to support you.