If you’re like most of the women who’ve been joining our programs, you’re smart. You care about growth, you’ve done some therapy or other inner work (maybe even a LOT of it), and your partners have, too. So why are your relationships still so hard?! Here’s an overview:
Unless you were a really, really wise young person, your early relationships were probably unconscious. In an unconscious relationship, neither person has any tools or awareness. So when things get hard, you blame each other (or yourselves.) You fight, often lie, play games, have affairs, and pretty soon what you’d called “love” turns into hate.
OUCH. Major, major ouch. So it’s a big step for a lot of us to create a semi-conscious relationship. And…
Things do get a bit better in a semi-conscious relationship. At least you’ve got some communication skills, like “I-statements.” So when things get hard and you get triggered, instead of shouting “You f__king a__hole bast___rd” and starting to throw things, you may say things like this:
“I wish you would _____.”
“I don’t see why you always have to ______.”
“I don’t know why you can’t __________.”
“I really need you to _________.”
“I feel really _______ when you do ________.”
These are all “I-statements” in the sense that they begin with the word “I.” Yet you may notice they also all revolve around what the “you” is or isn’t doing.
In a semi-conscious relationship, you’re still operating from a very, very painful false premise – which is the idea that your own feelings are dependent on someone else’s actions. The reason why this is such a huge problem is simple. No matter how hard we try, we can never, ever control someone else’s actions. So when we’re caught in the trap of believing we can’t be happy until she changes…
We’re screwed. We’re powerless. We’re up the proverbial creek… without a paddle.
And this is why we meet so many women – smart women like you, who’ve been to therapy, who know a thing or two hundred about communication – who have grown really discouraged, even cynical about love.
So what’s the alternative? Ah… we’re so glad you asked!
In a conscious relationship, you finally get to have the love, connection, ease, safety, trust and depth you’ve always dreamed of. (And as far as we can tell, this is the only route to that kind of lasting love.) The price of admission is simple, but it’s not easy. It involves taking full responsibility for your own feelings. That means recognizing that although your girlfriend triggers feelings in you, she doesn’t cause them – nor can she cure them. (And you can’t cure her feelings, either.)
In a conscious relationship, instead of saying, “I wish you would_______” or “I really need you to _____,” you speak from yourself, about yourself. You tell what we call the inarguable truth.
This opens up a space for you to be much more intimate – not only with your partner, but with yourself. And if you’re with someone who’s willing to be conscious too, it opens up tremendous potential between the two of you. When you can speak your own inarguable truth, and she can speak hers too — well, the arguments end! Instead of arguing, you can get on with the business of loving each other, healing your conflicts, and coming to know each other more and more fully. It takes practice. But it’s a joyful ride.
So how do you get there?
We’ve created some coaching and mentorship programs to help you fully live your way into the deep love of conscious relationships. Believe me, learning these skills are totally worth it. And we are delighted to serve as your mentors and guides in that process! So…
If you’re “single and looking,” click here.
If you’ve recently gone through a breakup, click here.
If you’re in a relationship that needs a big-time breakthrough, click here.
Wherever you are on your relationship journey, we’re delighted to help you finally create — and live! — the love you want.