When Michelle and I first started thinking about offering relationship tools to lesbians & queer women, we did a search to see who else was doing that kind of thing.
And we found absolutely nothing.
Well, that’s not completely true. Let’s say, almost nothing.
We also know there are many hard-working lesbian therapists out there, and relationship coaches (at least we hope there are!) who just don’t have much of an online presence.
But really, we were shocked. I mean, even if adult lesbians and queer women were only ONE PERCENT of the U.S. population, there’d be 3.17 million of us!
There are hundreds of books, websites and workshops for straight couples who want happier, healthier relationships. But there is close to nada, zilch, zippo for us women-loving-women.
Now, why is that? Is it because, as some straight people fantasize, women just “naturally know how to please each other” (!) and automatically have wonderful relationships?
Ah, if only it were so!
The truth is, queer women and lesbians face most of the same challenges that straight couples do, plus we’ve often got some additional ones all our own:
– The challenge of being in a couple where one or both partners has been rejected by her family or religious community, or is afraid to come out of the closet.
– The challenge of one or both partners having a gender identity or expression that is “outside the norm” and may provoke fear, discrimination or even violence.
– The challenge of living in a homophobic world, where even now, people are proposing “Jim Crow” laws to prevent us from doing dangerous, subversive things like, um, buying donuts at the local bakery. (Actually, buying donuts probably IS dangerous, given how much sugar and fat they contain. But still, we deserve the right to buy them!)
– The very real possibility that both partners may be sexual abuse survivors (since approximately 50% of women are.)
And in addition to all those challenges from the outer world, it can sometimes be hard just to be two women together. Often we’re really good at merging into that initial hormone-fueled bliss – but not so good at moving back into our separate selves again, which needs to happen if we’re going to have healthy love. (And “lesbian bed death” – along with fights, depression and flatness – can be among the consequences.)
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love being a queer woman!
I remember when I was 22 and having problems with my first girlfriend, my mom said, “If there are going to be problems with women, too, why didn’t you just stick with men?”
Um, can you say… unclear on the concept?!
(Thankfully, Mom’s come a long way since then!)
But the truth is, as a community, we DO need relationship help, resources and tools… from people who understand us. From people who are us.
(I’ve gotten a lot of benefit from heterosexually-oriented relationship books, and often they give a nod to same-sex couples with a case study or two. But I always have to do some… translating. For instance, “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus.” Well, what if my girlfriend is from Mars and Venus both, and I’m from Pluto – what do we do then?!)
So that’s why Michelle and I launched Conscious Girlfriend. We think it does take a (queer/lesbian) village.
We offer live events in the Bay Area, retreats, online classes, and coaching to help build that village.